I am feeling grateful for my partner today. So very grateful. So loving. So supportive. So funny. So talented. You are exactly what I asked for. It has been so wonderful spending the last couple of days with you. I am delighted with you.
My intentions are just to be today.
Affirmations: I get exactly what I want. Always.
I had gotten away from the idea of a personal God for a more global perspective of the Universe responding my behalf to my positive intentions and vibrations blah blah blah. Lately, though, I have been talking to Jesus. Life is just so challenging. I have been needing to just pour out my soul to someone and … well … Jesus and I go way back. The whole Universe idea seems to say that it is not safe to put any negative vibrations out there such as stating how you really feel (Like "I feel shitty. I feel afraid") or what you are afraid of (abandonment, losing everything, getting fat). Well, lately I have felt shitty and I have been afraid. That doesn't mean I will stay stuck there but I want to just be able to admit it. And I want my higher power to care about that. So I guess you can say I had a "come to Jesus moment." I have opened the dialogue and you know what? I feel better. I feel comforted. Here I go….
Things always get better. Things either change or we get better at coping. While at the gym today I was reflecting on the fact that Barry and I have been living together 4 months now. I can hardly believe it! This merging necessitated huge adjustments from both of us on top of so many other existing stressors. It has had its rough spots as we have worked out the kinks. This week has been an incredible one in terms of increasing our understanding of each other, addressing practical issues, and connecting to each other on a deeper level. Last night Barry witnessed me binging on chocolate (a habit I thought I had eradicated), giving him insight to some of my vulnerabilities (like addiction to chocolate and dysfunctional coping). That was just the latest viewing he has had of my soft underbelly. I am sure he acknowledges that I have witnessed his vulnerabilities as well. As we chatted on the way to Orlando today about spirituality and our evolving belief systems I experienced a renewed appreciation of this relationship. The more time we spend together the more grateful I am….
Here are the things that have evolved that are making life together more easy all the time …..
1. Barry being more comfortable in his new town.
2. Barry's work life picking up .
3. Me carving out time to spend with friends and Barry being ok with that.
4. Communicating about the misperceptions that come up based on our fears and past experiences.
5. Both striving to regain balance in our bodies and lives.
6. Claiming Sundays as our days to connect with each other.
7. Touch and affection.
8. Working out childcare issues.
9. Putting Barry in charge of Creative Programming at LRY.
10. Me rejoining the gym (now I just need to get there more often).
I am sure there is more …. but these things have really made a difference.
I am off to pick up Barry at the Farmer's Market now …. Here I go.
Today I am grateful for our new sign !!!!! and all the hard work Jennifer Lachtara and Jason Lachtara put in on it, Barry's work picking up, Kristen Marcet doing a one on one for CPR certification with me, having the Marcet family come into my life, the fun people at Posh, Christina joining me for a pedicure and a bite, her caring about my well-being, Yoga Day!!!!, no meltdowns this week, sleeping better, lots of love and affection coming my way.
Today I intend to be present, enjoy the Saturday yogis, give Becky a good yoga routine, enjoy yoga day, enjoy Barb's birthday dinner.
Affirmations: Nothing is fixed. Everything evolves. I can make changes with each small choice I make. I eat well and light. I purify my body with breath, food, exercise. My body releases its excess. I eat only what I need to maintain a thin, light body.
Feeling fattish. This happens to me when life gets moving too fast. Then I don't eat at the proper times. I eat fast. I eat too much. I eat emotionally. I exercise too little. Every week I feel like there is too much I have to do in just the basic requirements. This week I forgot about Yoga Day for a minute and scheduled CPR recertification for the same day. Thanks to the incredible flexibility of Kristen Marcet, I was able at the last minute to move the CPR class to Friday. So CPR plus Yoga Day plus a 3.5 hour meeting at work and you have a week busting at the seams. With all this I was ripe for a melt-down.
But. I. Did. Not. Have. One.
This is what is showing me that what I am doing Ayurvedically is helping me. I am able to cope just a little bit better. This week I did a shade better eating the right foods (and not eating the wrong ones) to balance Pitta. I made time for Girl's night. I got together with Christina Package to get our nails done and have a good heart to heart. When I was depleted I went to bed instead of allowing my weary mind to stir up trouble. I got my Acu Yoga book from Amazon today with points for hot flashes. I am feeling inspired to put together a workshop for menopause.
I still have a full day ahead and know I need to find the time to move my body vigorously today and several times a week. This will also help my appetite, eating, emotions… and the feeling of fattishness. Let's see how I can fold that in… here I go….
I have a patient who is a real challenge. She is constantly in an agitated state. She gets upset when things don't go smoothly or the way she thinks they should. Thus, she is almost always upset. Yesterday she asked me when it was going to stop – when things were going to stop happening to her. I told her, "Never." She looked at me in surprise. I told her, "Life just keeps coming at you so you just have to accept what comes and be ok anyway. It never ever stops." It was the most honest answer I could give and how I am feeling myself. She seemed to sense the truth of this answer. We went on to have a decent session together.
While I was waiting for a computer glitch to be resolved yesterday I sat and talked with a couple of the Aides at work. "L" has a son with some kind of genetic disorder and her husband is waiting to take the medical boards because he got his license in Brazil. She stated that she feels all she does is wait. Wait for the medical boards. Wait for a diagnosis for her son. She doesn't sleep because of the anxiety of waiting. I told her that she has be comfortable with not knowing because she may never know and that she will always be waiting for one thing or another to be resolved. She has to sleep NOW instead of waiting for someday. Again, I gave an honest response – I was really talking to myself. She seemed to get it. I hope so.
This process of finding balance in the midst of so much change, uncertainty, and life demands feels daunting at times – most times really. It is tempting to see my working in a traditional medical setting as a move away from where my heart is – yoga, cranial sacral, energy, healing. I have to believe, though, that it is all on purpose. I think of the interactions I have had with co-workers and patients since I have returned to a day job. I have brought to them all that yoga has given me over the last 12 years. Mostly it has allowed me to bring my complete presence and calm energy to every encounter and situation. That is not for nothing. But it has also allowed a new perspective to infiltrate traditional medicine – what I always wanted to accomplish.
I write all this after a night of hot cold hot cold hot cold that led me to rise already feeling frustrated and depleted. I am trying to relate this to my eating last night. I had sushi and some fried food. I had a glass of wine. Both the fried food and wine increase Pitta. I have to be honest with myself and say that I am resisting giving up some of the things that might be irritating me. I have to ask myself which is more important to me – to feel better or have my coffee, wine, fried foods, tomato sauce ….
So today I resolve to choose just a little better, to breathe often and deep, to reside in joy no matter what comes at me. Here I go….
I know I have been missing in action for a few days. As a Pitta in recovery I am trying not to be too anal about things. I am only one person with a lot on her plate. In any given free moment I must choose the most important task to prioritize out of many. The things I prioritized since I last posted are
- Visiting with an old friend I have not seen in almost a year (Thank you Pamela Kokott!).
- Spending quality time with my beloved and reconnecting after a couple of pretty demanding weeks.
- Work have to's.
I have been trying to stick to my Pitta-reducing food choices. Today I had cottage cheese with pineapple for breakfast, raspberries and nuts for snacks (the nuts had some no no's in there, like walnuts), greens and rice for lunch, blueberries and graham crackers for another snack. By 7:45 I was starving with feelings of low blood sugar. I think I need more protein throughout the day… and perhaps more veggies and less fruit. Since eggs are of my list, I wonder what I can replace them with…. time to consult Barry.
I also started my Pitta reducing herbs for hot flashes today. The jury is still out on those, but I will let you know.
Besides being bone tired, I have nothing new to report. I am moseying along, making better choices all the time. This includes food and other choices as well. I am making choices that allow me not to be rushed. This is less stressful and less Pitta-making even though that means I am not getting everything into my day I would like to.
Soon when I am not so bone tired, I will post the Ayurvedic questionnaire so you can fill it out. I will also post the food lists. Barry Cooper is available for consultations if you would like one. He lives this stuff. I should know. And now I am. Here I go….
Today I am writing a new story of how my life is shaping up. Since all things work together for good I can only imagine that the disheartening events of late merely reflect a pause as energies shift and move in a different direction. What I excel at is helping people heal on all levels of being, whether it be as a yoga teacher, yoga therapist, cranial sacral practitioner, hypnotist, or OT. I think I also excel at teaching others how to do it too. So the Universe is now reorganizing to allow me to do these things in a grander context somehow. I trust that clarity will come in perfect timing and that flow will return. I find no need to scurry and hurry in fear because I am not doing it all by myself. I have the highest consciousness of the Universe behind me, working things out not only for my highest good, but for the highest good of humankind. I must simply be present in every moment of every day, making the choices that bring me the most joy, the most feeling of well-being in any given moment.
Today I am grateful for the Reiki from Barry last night, the kind words from my 4:30 class and from Susan, the faith that clarity will come in right timing, the fuel reimbursement program from Hyundai, that my Droid was easy to find at work, that I got caught up and organized yesterday.
Today I intend to cultivate joy, be present, have faith.
Today is an emotional day. My kitties are going to a new temporary home so Barry can breathe in my home. Sometimes I can barely believe all the changes in my life. I can barely believe how challenging and full my life is. I can barely wrap my mind around getting done all that must be done in the next three weeks. Luckily this is mitigated by the things I know: 1. Somehow everything always works out. 2. Barry and I have some things to do together that are beyond being a couple. 3. Everything that happens is exactly what needs to happen for the highest good of all concerned.
Today I am grateful for connecting with Barry before he leaves for a few days, getting our massage establishment license a mere ONE DAY after our inspection, the deep spiritual conversation Barry and I had at Sunset Grille, my day off, the important phone call I got yesterday morning, Colleen taking the kitties, all the beautiful food Barry prepares for me and the love with which he prepares it, from the very beginning the ability I have had to be 100% myself with Barry without self-consciousness, Ibuprophen, a full day of work today, a very important lunch meeting, the lessons we have been learning in flow versus effort, Nylma picking up the veggies, beautiful veggies to enjoy over the next few days, my dirty Thursday yogis who never fail to make me laugh (and blush), ending the week with Jorge who is so positive and appreciative of yoga.
Today I intend to be focused and effective with patients, gather up the kitties with ease and transition them to Colleen's, grieve their departure openly and without restraint for a limited time, have a great lunch meeting, find joy in all I do today, accept what comes, appreciate the heck out of all the good in my life.
My life is flowing forward in good orderly direction.
Energy is more important than effort.
I pay attention to the things that fall into place easily.
Everything always works out for me.
I bring presence to each moment.
Presence is all that matters in any given moment.
When I am present, I can respond to any circumstance that arises with ease, peace, competence.
Under the category of ACCEPTANCE I go into this work week with butterflies in my stomach. It seems my co-worker has a problem with the way I am managing my patients. I actually go in and talk to them at breakfast and set a time that I will see them that day. This way I can mentally plan my treatments and my day and the patients can tell me if they are going out that day. Practical, right? No. My coworker is a "fly by the seat of her pants" type and resents this practice of mine. She resents it so much that she complained to our supervisor and has deliberately intercepted patients I had scheduled for myself. I told myself that my thoughts that she was sabotaging me were mere paranoia. Not so. She pretty much told my supervisor that she is forcing me to do it her way by sabotaging my schedule. I find this incredibly disheartening since while I am seeing my one patient she could be seeing any one of the other seven patients on our caseload. But I guess I am not the first she has attempted to cow through passive aggressiveness. My supervisor has scheduled a meeting to resolve the issue on Wednesday. Meanwhile…. butterflies. As I was leaving Barry's yesterday, we drew angel cards. Mine was power. So I align myself with empowerment today. Empowerment does not steal power from my co-worker but it does help me to stay strong and centered no matter what she chooses to do. Sigh. I find myself saying, "Really?????" to all this. But this is how it is so here I go….
Today I am grateful for Barry's love, the time I spent outside with the Cooper boys yesterday moving my body and how it made my back feel better, getting what needed to be done done when I got home, a good night's sleep, having fruit and snacks for the day, seeing my freezer items dwindling down, looking forward to eating fresher and more toward vegan when Barry moves in, understanding my need to move my body more vigorously and more often.
Today I intend to say centered and strong, remain in my power, be kind yet resolved, do my best work, enjoy teaching yoga at day's end, draw students to my classes and to the studio in general.
All is as it should be.
This is yet another opportunity to remain in my power.
I remain a strong, confident woman no matter the circumstances – chaos, the moon, high demands, stress, fatigue, pain – do not diminish my confidence or my power.