I am feeling a shift toward strength. After many moons of continuing to feel completely overwhelmed I took a stand. I gave away part of of my patient load. Smaller paycheck = Greater sanity. Sanity wins. This also allowed me to stop doing paperwork late at night. When I get home from Living Room Yoga I do normal things – I talk with my loved ones, I cook, I take a bath, I watch movies. I am feeling more like my better self. Giving myself this space to just be is allowing me to better problem-solve some of the challenges I am facing. I am less emotional. I am more loving. I have better clarity. I am setting better boundaries.
One thing that is still troubling is that my skin is still erupting in a daily rash. Allegra keeps it at bay and Tea Tree Oil is soothing. Perhaps more restoration will calm even this down. Here I go ….
I had gotten away from the idea of a personal God for a more global perspective of the Universe responding my behalf to my positive intentions and vibrations blah blah blah. Lately, though, I have been talking to Jesus. Life is just so challenging. I have been needing to just pour out my soul to someone and … well … Jesus and I go way back. The whole Universe idea seems to say that it is not safe to put any negative vibrations out there such as stating how you really feel (Like "I feel shitty. I feel afraid") or what you are afraid of (abandonment, losing everything, getting fat). Well, lately I have felt shitty and I have been afraid. That doesn't mean I will stay stuck there but I want to just be able to admit it. And I want my higher power to care about that. So I guess you can say I had a "come to Jesus moment." I have opened the dialogue and you know what? I feel better. I feel comforted. Here I go….
As I am sure I have mentioned, I have way more on my list than I ever have time to do. This is a constant source of agitation for my Pitta self because I can never quite cross all the items off the list. I might do three quarters of several tasks which means I got quite a bit accomplished but I still can't cross the tasks off the list because they are not finished. So they remain hanging out in the back of my mind, draining energy away from me.
Yesterday was such a day. I actually did not have to go anywhere so I spent all day in my jammies. That part was nice. I got about 1/3 of my courses published on CE Broker – Task #1 that isn't finished. I got 3/4 of my treatment notes done from the day before – Task #2 that wasn't finished. I had promised to do the dishes and return the movie but worked so long on the other first two tasks I ran out of time before I was to meet my friend Christina for her birthday around 4:30. (Tasks #4 and $5) And because I worked so long obsessively trying to finish something I was running late to pick up her present and meet her. And then because I was running late I forgot her card so had to come back to the house anyway and retrieve it.
By the time I was heading her way I was feeling truly bitchy. I jokingly (sort of) texted her that "The bitch is on her way." Because Christina is very sweet she texted me back that I am most assuredly not a bitch. That actually started to calm me down. I was able to enjoy my one hard cider and relax. By the time Barry came home later I was exhausted but not bitchy. And I had managed to return the movie and do the dishes after all (Yay! Two items crossed off).
So what is the moral of this story? Stop earlier. Before you blow a gasket. You are not going to finish anyway so just accept it and stop earlier. Don't put yourself in a rush. Adjust your expectations. And. Just. Stop. On that note, here I go….
So this is how people's lives are…. working such long hours. Eating when they can and not making the best choices. Eating for comfort. Eating for just a little more energy. Too tired to think too deeply about what they are putting in their mouths. Not getting enough sleep. Yep I think I finally understand.
For me every Monday represents the start of another cycle of madness. Will I stay on top of my progress notes or be doing them at 9 and 10 o'clock at night? Will I have enough time to get everyone what they need to make sure Living Room Yoga flourishes? Will I get the rest and down time I need? will I melt down? Will I snap at the person who loves me most?
Balancing a pitta imbalance is not easy under these circumstances. My life is the epitome of pitta. And yet, I am MOSTLY doing it. I have adjusted in small ways how I eat. I take lots of deep breaths. I remember to express my gratitudes to those who love me and care for me. If I can do this, you can do this. I know it now.
It is starting to get automatic now – eating for Pitta. I ate at Taco Bus yesterday. I ordered things not so spicy and skipped the hot sauce. It really hasn't taken that long either. That is encouraging. My weight management is the next thing for me to tackle. With all this work I find it is creeping up as I eat to keep going. I must be consuming just too many calories overall. I will keep you posted … Here I go ….
Balance is so not easy. With almost every work day stretching out into 12 hour days … my only answer is to remain present in each given moment. Giving my full presence to whomever is in front of me at the moment really does seem to be the key. I continue to receive such positive feedback and encouragement from students present and past – such a nice note and thank you gift from the Lippert sisters. Thank you! Such nice feedback from Beth who is now smoke-free for a year. Thank you Beth. When I share this with Barry he confirms: "See, you really are meant to be doing this."
Unfortunately Living Room Yoga is among those whose interest rate is high on their mortgage. Because we switched from a residential loan to a commercial building, refinancing has not been a viable option. For the past year I have been working to just cover the mortgage and it will be going up another $100!. So if you think your presence and participation in LRY is not important – it is! Last night my Monday night class was full. This felt great not just economically but energetically. These little encouragements help to keep me strong.
Thank you to all who are a part of keeping me strong and keeping my faith alive that LRY is meant to continue and thrive. I appreciate each and every positive word and acts of support. And this gratitude mitigates my increasing pitta energy from over-working. It is the best pitta-reducing practice ever.
My list! My list! I didn't get everything done on my list! This is the decry of every frustated Pitta and this was me today. I had an agenda of how the day was going to go …. Go to Orlando with Barry. While he is at the Farmer's Market run five miles at the gym. Go to yoga from 11-12, shower and go to Panera where I will write and answer all emails I am behind on. Well…. that is not how the day flowed.
I DID run five miles and that was great. But then it was so cold in the yoga room at the gym and I was so sweaty I had to leave before the class was over. I stood in the shower 20 minutes trying to get warm again. Then I ate at Panera and set about the rest of my plan – but my outgoing email didn't work and Liquidweb for once was not able to resolve the problem. And it was so cold in there I was shivering by the time I left. And yes, I became a little grumpy. Oh and did I mention that I didn't have a car and was waiting for Barry to pick me up at 3? Just as I was about to finally do something productive – write this blog, one of Barry's and my clients came to pick me up (God bless her). Sigh.
Finally some hot food with my beloved had me feeling semi-human again. That and Barry and I deciding to incorporate evening walks instead of eating late has me feeling like my life is going to move toward greater balance. And next time I will dress warmer, not plan to answer emails, and make sure I keep the car so I have an escape plan. And for now I will move on. I am about to receive a massage from Barry. Not a bad way to end the weekend. Not bad at all. That should calm my Pitta right down ….
Things always get better. Things either change or we get better at coping. While at the gym today I was reflecting on the fact that Barry and I have been living together 4 months now. I can hardly believe it! This merging necessitated huge adjustments from both of us on top of so many other existing stressors. It has had its rough spots as we have worked out the kinks. This week has been an incredible one in terms of increasing our understanding of each other, addressing practical issues, and connecting to each other on a deeper level. Last night Barry witnessed me binging on chocolate (a habit I thought I had eradicated), giving him insight to some of my vulnerabilities (like addiction to chocolate and dysfunctional coping). That was just the latest viewing he has had of my soft underbelly. I am sure he acknowledges that I have witnessed his vulnerabilities as well. As we chatted on the way to Orlando today about spirituality and our evolving belief systems I experienced a renewed appreciation of this relationship. The more time we spend together the more grateful I am….
Here are the things that have evolved that are making life together more easy all the time …..
1. Barry being more comfortable in his new town.
2. Barry's work life picking up .
3. Me carving out time to spend with friends and Barry being ok with that.
4. Communicating about the misperceptions that come up based on our fears and past experiences.
5. Both striving to regain balance in our bodies and lives.
6. Claiming Sundays as our days to connect with each other.
7. Touch and affection.
8. Working out childcare issues.
9. Putting Barry in charge of Creative Programming at LRY.
10. Me rejoining the gym (now I just need to get there more often).
I am sure there is more …. but these things have really made a difference.
I am off to pick up Barry at the Farmer's Market now …. Here I go.
Feeling fattish. This happens to me when life gets moving too fast. Then I don't eat at the proper times. I eat fast. I eat too much. I eat emotionally. I exercise too little. Every week I feel like there is too much I have to do in just the basic requirements. This week I forgot about Yoga Day for a minute and scheduled CPR recertification for the same day. Thanks to the incredible flexibility of Kristen Marcet, I was able at the last minute to move the CPR class to Friday. So CPR plus Yoga Day plus a 3.5 hour meeting at work and you have a week busting at the seams. With all this I was ripe for a melt-down.
But. I. Did. Not. Have. One.
This is what is showing me that what I am doing Ayurvedically is helping me. I am able to cope just a little bit better. This week I did a shade better eating the right foods (and not eating the wrong ones) to balance Pitta. I made time for Girl's night. I got together with Christina Package to get our nails done and have a good heart to heart. When I was depleted I went to bed instead of allowing my weary mind to stir up trouble. I got my Acu Yoga book from Amazon today with points for hot flashes. I am feeling inspired to put together a workshop for menopause.
I still have a full day ahead and know I need to find the time to move my body vigorously today and several times a week. This will also help my appetite, eating, emotions… and the feeling of fattishness. Let's see how I can fold that in… here I go….
I have a patient who is a real challenge. She is constantly in an agitated state. She gets upset when things don't go smoothly or the way she thinks they should. Thus, she is almost always upset. Yesterday she asked me when it was going to stop – when things were going to stop happening to her. I told her, "Never." She looked at me in surprise. I told her, "Life just keeps coming at you so you just have to accept what comes and be ok anyway. It never ever stops." It was the most honest answer I could give and how I am feeling myself. She seemed to sense the truth of this answer. We went on to have a decent session together.
While I was waiting for a computer glitch to be resolved yesterday I sat and talked with a couple of the Aides at work. "L" has a son with some kind of genetic disorder and her husband is waiting to take the medical boards because he got his license in Brazil. She stated that she feels all she does is wait. Wait for the medical boards. Wait for a diagnosis for her son. She doesn't sleep because of the anxiety of waiting. I told her that she has be comfortable with not knowing because she may never know and that she will always be waiting for one thing or another to be resolved. She has to sleep NOW instead of waiting for someday. Again, I gave an honest response – I was really talking to myself. She seemed to get it. I hope so.
This process of finding balance in the midst of so much change, uncertainty, and life demands feels daunting at times – most times really. It is tempting to see my working in a traditional medical setting as a move away from where my heart is – yoga, cranial sacral, energy, healing. I have to believe, though, that it is all on purpose. I think of the interactions I have had with co-workers and patients since I have returned to a day job. I have brought to them all that yoga has given me over the last 12 years. Mostly it has allowed me to bring my complete presence and calm energy to every encounter and situation. That is not for nothing. But it has also allowed a new perspective to infiltrate traditional medicine – what I always wanted to accomplish.
I write all this after a night of hot cold hot cold hot cold that led me to rise already feeling frustrated and depleted. I am trying to relate this to my eating last night. I had sushi and some fried food. I had a glass of wine. Both the fried food and wine increase Pitta. I have to be honest with myself and say that I am resisting giving up some of the things that might be irritating me. I have to ask myself which is more important to me – to feel better or have my coffee, wine, fried foods, tomato sauce ….
So today I resolve to choose just a little better, to breathe often and deep, to reside in joy no matter what comes at me. Here I go….