Changing My Ways

“Don’t do anything that you don’t really want to do. Keep yourself in a place of feeling good. Reach for the thought that feels better — and watch what happens.”                 – Esther Hicks (and Abraham and Jerry).

I’ve said it a few times lately.  “I need to change my ways.”

The moments of feeling overwhelmed with work over the past several years have been many, with frequent bouts of anxiety and exhaustion.  And yet I have wanted to accomplish so many things…

I knew going into 2019 that the first six months were going to be intense.  I had quite a few goals, deadlines, and events already set:

  • Developing and giving a new course on yoga and meditation for pain management (now done).
  • Integrating these methods into Baycare (steps taken, but often feeling like I am rolling a boulder up hill).
  • Giving my first IAYT approved weekend course for yoga and scoliosis in Pensylvania (Did not happen – course was cancelled).
  • Giving my second online course on scoliosis through Allied Health Education (coming up!).
  • Participating in two festivals (Completed and fruitful).
  • Getting out of credit card debt (great strides made both personally and in the business).
  • Getting paid for my work in the business (Finally happening).
  • Losing 35 pounds (79% there).

These goals were in addition to basically working two full time jobs. Handling it all had me getting up at 4:30am for many many weeks to get it all done.

What I didn’t plan for was

  • A case I was involved with in which I undercharged the client and which cost me so much more in time and energy than I had available.
  • Needing a medical procedure.
  • Barry’s mom passing away.

Here is what was sacrificed:

  • Time with friends.
  • Quality time with Barry, Jeevan, and getting to know Elija.
  • Quality time with family.
  • At times, patience.

Barry, Jeevan, and I were able to get to New Jersey for his mom’s funeral last week.  It was such a sad but moving experience.  It was heart-breaking to witness someone I love hurting so deeply.  I was moved to be embraced so generously by his family.  I did not think about work.  I was present.

Today is Sunday.  Barry is teaching his craft in Orlando and I am home alone, able to reflect.  Several times today work pulled at me and I could feel my stomach knotting up.  Each time this happened I remembered, “Don’t do anything that you don’t really want to do.  Keep yourself in a place of feeling good. Reach for the thought that feels better…” and I was able to quickly stop my train of thought, calm the drive to “get it done” and return to a feeling of well-being.

I want to learn to live this way ALL THE TIME

But not doing anything I don’t really want to do is tricky.  There are degrees of wanting and not wanting.  I want to stay on top of finances and “the books.”  But I also want to have fun and spend quality time with those I love (and get enough sleep).  I want to make an impact on the world.  But I also want to have energy to laugh and to play.  I want to do a good job for my employer and contribute to moving things forward.  But I also want to feel balanced, fit, and well.  I want to meet my financial goals, but I also want the feeling of anxiety to be reserved for when a bear is actually chasing me (and not me chasing my own tail).  This is going to be a day by day, maybe even a moment by moment proposition.

I look forward to watching what happens.

Here I go….