End of the Year Letter 2019

Dear Living Room Yogis,

      Didn’t I just do one of these?  This year flew by but also brought a lot of completion.   I completed at 2.5 hour course and an 8 hour course on Yoga and Meditation for pain management, I lost 30 pounds (though I suspect I gained a few of those back this holiday season), and I paid off my credit card debt.  I leaned hard into these goals with single minded determination and have been rewarded with their completion.  I also experienced some deep internal shifts that have been 55 years in coming.  Here is a poem by Portia Nelson sums up how hard change can be:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

Here is what learned this year:

  1. Whenever I say yes to something, I say no to something else.  I committed to and completed the three goals I mentioned.  What I said yes to these goals I said no to sleep, energy for my beloved and friends, exercise and downtime.  Moving forward, before committing to something I will ask myself the all-important question, “If I say yes to this, what will I being saying no to?” followed up by, “Is it worth it?
  2. Change requires altering our neuro pathways, not just deciding to change or sheer willpower.  Yoga, meditation, and tapping are all avenues to pursue more deeply this year to release old patterns.  
  3. Pain is produced by the brain.  We change our brain, we change our pain.  I am still working on how to use this knowledge to help those in pain as well as those who work with persons in pain.  Here is what I know:  The brain produces pain and prolonged pain changes the brain so that pain persists. Yoga and meditation reverse these negative changes in the brain in a way that helps with pain. More will be revealed ….
  4. The time for self-doubt and giving away my power is over.  These habits have plagued me throughout my lifetime.  It’s time to fully trust myself and be fully confident in my own agency.  I see a lot of yoga, meditation, and tapping in my future to continue to release these patterns.
  5. It’s OK to let situations and people go without fighting it or analyzing it (and my part in it) to death.  I lost some relationships this year, and it was like a punch in the stomach.  I took accountability for my part, but it was not enough to save them.  Be well my former friends. Be well.
  6. I can be me without checking to make sure it’s ok with everybody.  
  7. It is time to come fully and unapologetically into my wholeness and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 
  8. I don’t need anyone’s approval to say no.  I don’t need anyone’s approval to say yes
  9. I can endure the backlash of protest when I don’t behave as others need me to.
  10. It’s time to lay down the burdens I have been trudging with me my whole life – just let that shit go (more yoga, more meditation, more tapping).
  11. It’s time to forgive myself for not sticking up for my wellbeing this year especially when it came to harmful people.  In feeling responsible for being the bigger person I put up with more than I should have.  This ends now. 
  12. I need to call on spirit to help me more.  I am not a one-woman show.  There is a committee assigned to help me behind the scenes in the spiritual realm.  Delegate.  Ask.  Receive.
  13. I am not required to be a hero or perfect to be worthy.  I need to honor my own well-being more often, firmly, and without apology.
  14. I can trust myself and trust that I know myself.  I know longer need to let others’ opinions of me cloud my own.  In fact, others’ opinions are none of my business.
  15. Tomorrow isn’t promised.  Live today.  Appreciate today.  Barry lost his mom this year, and my sister lost her husband.  One of my good friends from high school was killed in a wrong way highway accident.  You never know what tomorrow will bring. What I admire about my young colleagues at St. Anthony’s is that they travel NOW.  They live NOW.  I now find myself really looking at Barry.  Really seeing him.  Really feeling his hand in mine.  I find myself truly appreciating the people who show up in my life.  I have a lot.  I see you.  I REALLY see you.  Thank you for your presence.

LOVE, Stacy